This article is based on a true story.
So you know how when kids are being naughty you’re not supposed to laugh right? Well, epic failure tonight but I think it was unavoidable. The 3 year old has been potty trained for about a month now, does really good with no accidents and all that. So I’m laying on the couch twatting on twitter (as my wife likes to call it) and she’s sitting in the recliner holding the 2 year old reading a book.
All of a sudden I hear “I’m going to pee on mommy” and I look over and he’s standing in front of the chair pulling his little dong out. So I said “No, we don’t pee on mommy” My wife looks down like wtf because she didn’t see what he was doing, and asks if he needs to go to the bathroom. He does so I take him.
He uses the potty but is in the most annoying “good” mood ever. Those with kids know exactly what I’m talking about. He asks for toilet paper so I give him a square because the splash guard on the potty sometimes gets pee on his leg, he cleans off and I dump the potty in the big toilet. While I’m putting his potty back together I hear “I need toilet paper” so I’m like “no!” as he grabs and pulls 3 feet off the roll and throws it in the toilet before I can get to him.
I’m mad at this point so I make him wash his hands (which he can do by himself) and walk into the living room. I realize I’m holding his pants and underwear and toss them in the floor where we normally change diapers and dress the kids. So he comes in all dicks out for Harambe wearing nothing but a t-shirt and starts running around the living room. I tell him “go put your underwear and shorts on” which he ignores. Then my wife tells him to do it.
Still grinning like a little troll he walks up to her, points to his junk with both hands and says “smell my pee hole!” in his little toddler voice. Like wtf? It was so unexpected I just about lost it as my wife told him “don’t say that it’s not very nice.” Then he points at her like he’s Donald friggin Duck and shouts “that’s correct!”
I lost it, which made my wife (who was barely holding it together) lose it too. I pulled the sheet over my head and she put her head behind her book but it was obvious we were laughing. Dammit! We lost. Feeling contented that he had just won a major battle he walked over and put his underwear and shorts on without further incident and sat down to watch Go Diego Go!
I made him sweat thinking that we weren’t going to read him a story for bedtime because he was too naughty, and only did read one once we got an earnest promise he wouldn’t do it again.